Emotions....Exhaustion.....Chaos

It's been a long while since I've posted. I've been traveling pretty heavily since mid-April. Two weeks ago we went to Las Vegas for a conference. I did NOT want to go - was so not looking forward to it. I don't gamble - and who cares about the night life in Vegas! But I have got to tell you, I was very pleasantly surprised. It is a beautiful city and so alive. I want to go back now very soon!

Anyway, emotionally I'm just exhausted. I look back on my older blogs where I'm talking about the chaos feeling overtaking me again. Well I pretty much now know why it was coming on. Several of my friends are ill. Our pastor's wife, Laura Shook, has been diagnosed with colon cancer. A wonderful friend from church, Bruce Weber, has also been diagnosed with colon cancer. And one of my mentors from the rodeo, Larry Kerbow, has a benign tumor on his head below his ear that will need to be removed in a difficult surgery.

So I know that the chaos is God's way of telling me to come to Him and start praying. Right now seriously all I want to do is fall down on my face and cry and pray.....cry and pray.....cry and pray. I've tried to find quiet moments throughout the day to just sit and "be" with God. In the car, I turn the radio off and concentrate on Him. Walking to and from the car, I talk with him. Taking a shower, I talk with him. Constant prayer can't be bad, right? LOL!! I just feel so many things right now.....exhaustion.....frustration......fear.....

I also feel happiness.....hope.....faith.....

Needless to say, it's very conflicting. It brings me back to the time a few months back when God was calling me into the Catholic Co-Cathedral in downtown Houston. It was almost a physical pull I felt from Him every time I drove by the church on my way to our building down the street. When I finally entered the building and sank to my knees, I was overwhelmed by His presence.

A few weeks ago in church at Community of Faith we were in the middle of worship and tears just came. They fell down my face and I couldn't stop them. I wasn't sad. I was just there with God in "that place." For one reason or another, we've been unable to attend church in 3 weeks. And I have a physical void that needs to be filled. I NEED my family at COF now more than ever.

So I'm back to that fear thing.....I don't know what God is preparing me for. I've also had some health issues. I need further tests to find out what is going on. I have been bleeding off and on rectally since about February. It seems to "flare" when I drink heavily (which doesn't happen often) or eat really spicy foods. I hate to sound this way, but after the colon cancer diagnosis that Laura and Bruce got, dare I hope for colitis? It would make sense. The recurrent uveitis I have in my eyes is most commonly associated with auto-immune disorders - specifically rheumatoid arthritis or colitis. I need to schedule a colonoscopy. I put it off in May due to the cost. It is annoying that little by little, the insurance companies are whittling away our coverages. I was shocked when I learned the test would cost me almost $800. I can't imagine what the actual costs are if this is just my out of pocket expense. With our financial situation, I was just going to blow it off. But I realize now that I just need to know for sure what is going on in my body. I need to know the truth. And whatever that truth is I will walk the path with God. I am scared. I won't lie. But I will put my trust and faith in God.

Until later....