Chaos and my sometimes dark place....

I have these periods from time to time....I call them my dark place....the only way to describe the feeling is one of chaos in my heart. It has happened periodically over the years, but I was just able to pin point what it was on September 11, 2001. The weekend before the tragedy, we held a 50th anniversary party for my parents. My brother came in with his (then) 2 daughters, Katelyn and Taylor, and his mother in law, Mitzi. His wife, Mary stayed at home because she was 8&1/2 months pregnant with Hayley (they've since added one more - Riley). Anyway, when I was putting them on their plane to return home, I just knew in my heart that it was the last time I would see them. I had a feeling of chaos in my heart and my heart was absolutely breaking. For some reason, the chaos involved airplanes. I prayed like I'd never prayed before. My brother and his family made it home safely and I was relieved, but the feeling didn't go away....until the planes hit the towers on 9/11. At that point I knew what it was....God had been tapping me on the shoulder (as I'm sure he does with many others) so I could start praying. Who knows how many people were praying that day? Who knows how much worse it could have been without prayers?

It's happened a few more times since then. I told my friends that I was out to dinner with the Saturday before my dad died that it was his time and I felt like he was going to leave us. He left Monday morning......he was not terminal other than his alcoholism. Most recently (last Tuesday night), I was laying in bed with Bogey (my dog), and the thought came over me "What am I going to do when I have to let you go?" The next morning he was gone. He was perfectly fine Tuesday night....and then gone.

I realize that this is a gift from God. I don't like it some times, and it scares me a lot. But I realize that the only gift I've really been given is the ability to realize what is happening, and the opportunity to pray.

Right now I am in one of the darkest periods that I've ever experienced. I don't know what is brewing in the cosmos, but something is seriously up. My chaos has reached a frenetic pace. This one feels bigger than what happened on 9/11. So I'm praying fast and I'm praying hard. I have no specifics. I just know God wants me to pray. So that's what I am doing.

Please join me in prayer. Hopefully, this too shall pass without incident....

Until later....

Missing my little man - a really good friend....

We lost my "little dog" Bogey yesterday. And it was a complete shocker. We went to bed Tuesday night and he was fine. I got up at 3:00 a.m. to use the restroom and stepped in a pile of fresh vomit. I let him out because he looked like he urgently needed to go. By 3:15 he was bleeding from his rectum. We rushed him to the emergency vet and he was gone by 4:25 a.m. We really don't know what happened. But in my heart I know that he had something going on inside that had been brewing for awhile. And I also know in my heart that we made the right decision by ending his life.....

Bogey came into our lives in July, almost 3 years ago. He was 7 years old when we got him. He was 10 when he died. From the best we could tell, he was a mix of Rhodesian Ridgeback, German Shepherd, and maybe a little lab. He was 55 lbs., full of energy, with just the most amazing amber eyes I'd ever seen on a dog. TJ called me on a Wednesday one week. It seemed that one of his clients had a dog that he couldn't keep anymore. His wife wanted him to take Bogey to the SPCA. TJ wanted to know if I could find him a home. I told him we'd have to foster him for awhile......and then he never left....

When Bogey came to live with us, he was tentative about everything. He was never allowed to get on the furniture where he lived before. He was apparently not allowed to kiss anyone (as he absolutely wouldn't do that). He just kind of sat in front of you and waited until you "allowed him" to come to you. That quickly changed. The first time we asked him to get on the couch, you could tell he was shocked. He looked at us like "Are you kidding me?" After that though, he knew what his freedoms were. The dogs don't live in our house. We live in their house - ha ha. Although we thought he was going to be TJ's dog (I had Mabel after all), it became apparent quickly, that he was going to be MY dog too (although, Lorelai would argue with you and tell you that Bogey was HER dog). I nicknamed him "little dog" and we became best friends. At night I would usually go to bed before TJ. Bogey would jump up and lay down in the crook of my arm. If I didn't pet him long enough, he would growl until I started petting him again. When TJ walked into the room, he knew it was time to get off and would assume his position either on TJ's side of the bed or on the carpet on my side of the bed. He was never very far. In the mornings, he would wait for my alarm to go off. He would come into the room. And as I sat up in bed, he jumped up next to TJ and curled up into the crook of TJ's arm. It was very hard getting up this morning, knowing that he wouldn't be jumping into "his" place next to TJ.

Over the past 2 & 1/2 years, Bogey has been a blessing to us. I will miss everything about him. I probably only got a handful of kisses from him in the past 2 & 1/2 years (he finally started giving them out - so I knew I was special to him).

When we took him to the emergency clinic and made the decision to end his suffering, it was probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. I still cry thinking about it. We went into the room and they brought Bogey to us. But here's the thing.....he went to TJ....He wouldn't come to me. I had to go over to him and look him in the eyes. And when I did....I knew it was time to say goodbye. It was almost like Bogey was having as hard a time letting go of me as I was having letting go of him.

In my heaven, there will be animals. God promises that my heaven will be MY HEAVEN. So I know I will see Bogey again. He's up there romping with Dad now. I can't wait to see both of them.

Until later......

When God surprises you....

God has really been weighing in on me a lot lately. The one message that I'm getting often is that I need to pray about everything and pray often. I need to pray for those that I love (which I do anyway). I need to pray about things going on in the world (our country, our current leadership, our future leadership). I need to pray about what is going on in the world (will you get here already Lord?). And I need to pray about every day things like driving to work or the outcome of a project or meeting. So, being the obediant servant that I try to be, I've been trying to pray about everything. And thank God when my prayers are answer (Example: "God, please let me have a safe trip to work." then "Thank you Lord for allowing me to arrive at my destination safely." What I have noticed is that God is now answering EVERYTHING I pray about. He doesn't always answer in the way I anticipate or believe he should (yeah - I know - control issues). But He does answer.



This morning I had to do something that no employer likes to do. I had to lay off an employee. This particular woman had been with our company for 7 years. But the portfolio had gotten smaller and no longer supported her position. So, we made the difficult decision to let her go. I prayed about it when we found out we were going to do it and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace about it. I prayed about it last night before I went to bed and again had that overwhelming sense of peace. Then I prayed about it when I pulled into the parking lot of the building this morning and felt the peace. We called her into the conference room and broke the news to her. She is a very faithful woman. She moved to our end of the conference table and proceeded to ask us to pray with her. Her prayers were for US - for peace and comfort for US. That was amazing enough, right? Well the story gets better - much, much better. We talked for a long time. She said that God had been telling her for over a year that a change was coming. She didn't know what it was, but she felt she was going to leave our company. She was excited about the change, and delighted that God had answered her prayers to provide for her (we gave her a generous severance package) while she looked for another job. Just then, God put on my heart to tell her something. He told me to tell her that something was going to come to her almost immediately. It was going to drop in her lap, be TOTALLY unexpected, and was going to be her dream. I saw her walking across a parking lot and her "dream" literally being dropped on her. Weird, I know. But it's God, right? LOL. Anyway. She left and then I came home to meet the telephone guy. I get an e-mail this afternoon from the manager of the property that when this woman got home and checked the messages on her machine there was an invitation from the producers for Cece Winans to fly to Chattanooga, TN for an audition for a new collaborative album by Cece Winans! This is apparently called the Sister to Sister Ministry. They left her a code to call Continental Airlines because there was a first class ticket waiting for her. Her dream had DROPPED in on her just as God had shown me. To say that I am completely delighted and floored at the same time is an understatement. Coincidence? I think not! LOL! God is so great ALL the time!! And I am SO glad that I was first quiet or obediant enough to listen today and second brave enough to share with her what God was giving to me for her.



She shared something with me also. She had a dream about me (I won't go into detail about that), but at the end, the Lord asked her to give me a verse - Psalm 27:14. We went on to discuss what I started this blog with that I was trying to be obediant and just be a beacon to anyone that needed it. I would listen and pray, and listen and pray - especially for those I love. She told me that the Psalm was confirmation because what it says is "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." The way God gave it to her was that by "Wait", the Lord meant service (like waitstaff). And by being obediant, I was serving God. Wow.



So it's pretty much been a whole emotional God day. I haven't had one of these in a long time and I really needed it. So Praise God with all of your heart, mind, body and soul.



Until later.....

Reflections.....

It has now been a year since Dad left us. He went home to be with the Lord on December 10, 2007. The anniversary of his passing came and went without much fanfare. I had planned to maybe put something in the paper in remembrance, but when the time came I just couldn't think of anything that I felt would be adequate to express how much we miss him. Dad would have just rolled his eyes anyway! Ha Ha!! Anyway, I got through the anniversary okay. As Christmas approached, I started feeling a little emotional. I was adament about maintaining some of Dad's traditions (and I think I almost drove TJ crazy with that whole thing).



Christmas was absolutely wonderful! Lorelai was so into all the Santa stuff (even though I was telling her at least a 100 times a day that it was the birthday for Jesus -- I WILL work that into her brain one day -- LOL). We had a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My family came over for Christmas dinner. And Mikey (Mandy's husband) surprised us all with copies of a pencil drawing he had made of Dad. He absolutely captured Dad in his drawing, so much so that I can't even look at it right now (he is so very talented). I'll try to post a scanned version of it at some point. Anyway, when I saw the picture, I just burst into tears. I mean really, really sobbing. I had to go in my bedroom to compose myself. Then when I came back out, I hugged Mikey and just sobbed in his arms while thanking him. What I realize now is that for the past year, I've been trying to "hold it all together" for the sake of the family. I absolutely forbade myself to cry at his memorial service. I didn't shed a tear when I delivered his eulogy (at his request I might add - no sadness allowed). For the past year, I've been "handling things" for the estate, keeping the household bills paid, and helping Mom where I can. For the past year I haven't grieved the loss of my Dad.....my mentor.....my best friend. So now I'm back on a roller coaster of emotion. It's almost like losing him all over again. This time I'm going to allow myself to grieve him. I'm going to cry and feel the pain. (I am especially talented at avoiding emotional pain -- and that "talent" has hurt me in the past. I refuse to go there again -- my therapist would be so proud -- LOL.) I know in my heart of hearts that my dad is with the Lord and is having the time of his life. And I am so happy in the knowledge that I will see him again. But I miss him.......and now I'm going to admit that.



Don't let this be a downer. This is actually a milestone for me and I'm happy to be grieving as wierd as that sounds. This was still one of the best Christmas's I've ever had and the New Year is just days away. My life is in a beautiful place and I thank God every day for my friends, family, health, etc.



Love to all of you guys....



Until later....

Christmas Pictures......

Well we got the pictures taken! We went to Sears Portraits and had them professionally done. SO worth the money. I was a little worried because the appointment was a noon -- RIGHT in the middle of Lorelai's naptime! This could have gone several ways -- but I really thought she might be a little cranky. At the very least, I thought she was going to be shy. But I am here to tell you, the people that work in this portrait studio "get" kids. Keshia was our photographer and she had Lorelai eating out of her hand. We got some great pictures of her. We even took a prop a long. I had bought a little Christmas chefs outfit for her to wear when she was helping Poppy (TJ) cook. It had an apron, 2 oven mits, and a Santa chef's hat. It was adorable. We were able to use that prop and Poppy just loved it! This picture is the one that I got as an 8 X 10 for my office (yeah, I know - a little overboard). The chef pic is the one TJ is putting in his office! LOL!!

Until later....

The season....

I love this time of the year. There is so much beauty in the season. People are a little nicer to each other. You can find wonder in just about everything and every one. I'm pretty excited because this year I get to experience something I've never gotten to experience before. I get to wake up Christmas morning and experience Christmas with my granddaughter. It's already too much fun. Every time we walk into Wal-mart and she sees the big Christmas tree in front, she yells "CHRISTMAS!!!!" It is absolutely the coolest thing in the world to see this little cutie get so excited about the season. It has really helped ease the pain of losing Dad and knowing that this was his time of year.

I think 3 years old is the best age in the world for this. When she was 1 she absolutely didn't understand it (and we only got to see her for a little bit on Christmas Eve). When she was 2, she was kind of getting it, but wasn't really excited about it (and again, we had her for a few minutes on Christmas Eve). This year, she has been "part of the process." She has helped decorate. We have watched Christmas movies together. She's learning the words to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." She's counting down the days using an advent calendar (watch the German in me - LOL). I'm kind of talking her "up" to going to see Santa. I kind of think she's still going to wig out on that one. But we'll try.... I bought her this amazing Christmas dress and her very first pair of "heels". Now granted, they are only a 1/2 inch heel, but to her, they are just like Gammy's shoes. LOL! I'm trying to figure out now where to go get her picture taken because this absolutely has to be saved for posterity!

Lorelai has absolutely brought me back to my childhood and I am counting down the days until Christmas morning.

Thank you Lord for allowing Amanda and Lorelai to move in with us. They are an absolute gift from you Lord and we are having the time of our lives with both of them. Please watch out for all of the kids (Amanda, Rebekah and Lorelai) and keep them safe Lord in this wonderful season of Yours, as we remember the birth of Your son. Jesus was the ultimate gift Lord and for that we thank you from the bottom of our souls.

Until later....

Happy Thanksgiving....Remembering

I miss my dad today. I can't deny that today of all days. This was the beginning of "his season". It's been almost a year since he went home to be with the Lord. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever. Other times it sneaks up on me and seems like it was just yesterday. Some of the feelings came back yesterday when we found out that Wayne Haston had passed away. Too many memories of this time last year. Today we pass the "last of the firsts." This is the last holiday we will celebrate for the first time without Dad.

I don't think any of us realized how much Dad pulled this holiday together for us. He made the turkey. He made the stuffing. He brought the pies. He made the gravy......the gravy. Kelly and Mike volunteered to fry a turkey this year instead of the traditional baked turkey. We all thought that would be a great idea. Kelly called me a couple of weeks ago and said "Oh no. We won't have drippings to make the gravy!" So I volunteered TJ. We are making a baked turkey breast for Mandy and Terri since they love to "shread" their turkey. So we'll have drippings. TJ will take care of the gravy. Problem solved.....or are they? Kelly and I split up Thanksgiving dinner. They are making the turkey, rice, stuffing, sweet potatos, cranberries and rolls (I hope she remembered the rolls!). We are making the turkey breast, the gravy, the green bean casserole, the potato casserole, the rice dressing, the cornbread dressing, and the pies. Well at 8:30 last night I remembered that I hadn't bought the pies!! Well, one thing that I am VERY thankful for this holiday is the fact that Kroger is open Thanksgiving morning for morons like me! And I told them that I was thankful that they would give up their holiday to work for stupid people like me! They laughed. So tragedy averted.

As this holiday got closer, I began to miss Dad more and more. I have kind of moved into my own little pity party the last day or two (no one really noticed....I just got quiet) missing him. I thought about all of the things I wouldn't have this season. When we were little, we would wake up Thanksgiving morning to the smells of Thanksgiving dinner. At 6:00 AM (yes I said AM), Dad would put the Christmas music on full blast. We'd wake up to those glorious smells and wander into the kitchen yawning and rubbing our eyes. Dad would either have gone and gotten donuts or he would have his big frying pan out cooking us a big breakfast. All day long, we'd hear Dad singing to his Christmas songs.

Last night I went to bed knowing that my Thanksgiving would never be the same again. But of course, God had another plan as only He can. My dear husband got up at 5:00 this morning and began cooking. I woke to those same smells of my childhood. I snuck to the kitchen doorway and just watched him for awhile. For just a moment I was carried back to my childhood. There he was with pots in both hands and a big smile on his face. He was my dad. The only thing missing was the Christmas music. That was rectified by the time I got back from the grocery store (read about the pies above).

What I realize is that my dad is here with us.....in the food.....in the music.....in the traditions that we are so quick to cling to. I have not lost my dad. He is here in everything.

So today of all days, be thankful for what you have and for what you don't have. There is a much greater plan. You can be assured of that.

Happy Thanksgiving.....until later.....