Personal Inventory

A very wise friend of mine told me once upon a time that I kept myself busy from morning until night so that I wouldn't have any time to take a "personal inventory". I thought she was nuts at the time. I was busy because I was busy and nothing more! I mean, I can't say "no" when someone needs me, right? Just because I wake up early, start the day running at mock speed, and then fall into bed at the end of the day, that doesn't mean I'm hiding from myself or anyone else. Does it?

God is stirring in my heart again. So much has happened in my little world lately that I know God is trying to get me off of dead center. Here's the problem Lord......I don't know where I'm going and sometimes I'm just too afraid to ask or jump! So I should have faith right? Well I think I do have faith....but right now some of the fear is far outdoing the faith that I have.

I guess I'm at that point where I really need to just "Be still and know He is God." I need to stop, sit down, shut my mouth and just listen. Here's the thing....I really, REALLY crave an all encompassing relationship with God. I really, REALLY want Him to be in control of my life. I don't want to have to worry from day to day about what is going to happen. I want to know that God is taking care of everything. So if I'm willing.....then why won't I just jump and let God catch me. Why don't I trust Him? Why do I think I can do it better? It is obvious to me and everyone else that I cannot do it better than God. Every single time I step away from Him, my life falls apart. When I am going to Him constantly in prayer, things fall into place.

Here's what I had......a quiet, drama free life.....really no bumps in the road....I was just rocking along from day to day. Was I happy? I don't know. I was probably pretty bored. So little by little, God has started piling things on. I have drama in my life (from other people) that I didn't formerly have......I dealt with it and grew used to it. Now it's just an inconvenience and no longer a tragedy. I've had a handful of friends get sick.....some of them haven't made it. And of course, my dad died in December, 2007. These were all real tests of my faith. I cried....I prayed....and then I gave it up to God. I am grateful and happy that my friends, and my dad are up in Heaven with God. Actually I'm a little jealous! Now I have two very dear friends who are sick. I'm lifting them both up in prayer and know that God will be their ultimate healer.

So, back to the question (see how I tend to deflect?). If I can believe this for my friends and my dad, why can't I believe and trust for me?

What can I say? I'm a work in progress.....

Until later...

Happy Birthday Daddy!!

What a great day! 7-8-9 - Well that only happens - well NEVER!!

Today is also my daddy's birthday! He would have been 78 today (also kind of weird with the 7-8-9 thing - LOL)!

It's been a year and a half since he left us to go home and I miss him every day. I like to sit and think about what he would be doing today if he were still here. I would have called him this morning early, early and wished him a happy birthday. He'd blow it off like it was no big thing. I'd tease him about it being 7-8-9. He'd probably crack a joke or two. Then he'd launch off into a tirade about something or try to get me to talk about what's going on in my world. He never was one to focus on himself. He always wanted to get involved in whatever was going on in your life. And he LOVED loved loved to play the devil's advocate on everything. It's why I didn't tell him I was leaving my old company after 13 years until after I'd made the move and had to give him a new office number. He would have talked about stability, loyalty, and a lot of other things I didn't want or need to hear (and had already considered). People used to tell me I had my feet stuck so far in the ground that I was growing leaves (meaning I didn't like change). I definitely know where I get that trait! LOL! Funny thing is that here I am, almost 2 years later, and happier than if I'd had good sense in this new (well not so new anymore) job! So I knew I was making the right decision. And after all I'd consulted the ultimate Father in prayer for this and knew in my heart it was the right thing for me.

He really was such a great dad though. I have so many great memories of him from my childhood. I'm sure there were some bad times too, but I really don't remember them. He was larger than life. He was so outgoing. When he entered a room, he owned it. He had so many friends, but would tell you that he could count his true friends on one hand. I'm telling you though, when we went somewhere, he knew someone! It was amazing.

One really fond memory I have of my dad is all of the times he gave me directions. Inevitably, he would say "Well, you start out on Washington Avenue...." I guess that is from his early days as a route salesman for Falstaff Beer. His "route" was all the beer joints in Pasadena and downtown Houston (which was Westcott and Washington Avenue as well). And when I first started driving he would tell me that if I ever got lost in Houston, just get on a freeway and start looking for signs for San Antonio. We lived out off I-10 west, and if we saw signs for San Antonio, we knew we were on the right track for home!

It's been 19 months since Dad died. And to this day, there are times when I still want to pick up the phone and call him to ask him directions, how to cook something, an answer to a question, whatever. It just amazes me how "close" he seems. I guess that's because I know that this is only a temporary situation and that I will be reunited one day with him. That is such a great promise from God. I've never had someone close to me pass away. Daddy was the first. And having that faith and belief in what God promises is the only thing that kept me sane after Dad died. What a wonderful gift!!

So Happy Birthday Daddy!! I miss you! But I know you are up in Heaven whooping it up with Grandpa, Grandma (on both sides), Aunt Connie, Uncle Jim, Uncle Carl, Aunt Beth, Uncle Bill, and most recently, your beloved niece, Barbara. Play a hand for me! And I'll see you soon enough for the big party!!

Until next time.....

PS (I would be remiss if I didn't mention that yesterday - 7-7-09 - marked 5 years since the day I met my wonderful husband, TJ. It has been an amazing ride sweetheart and I am thankful every day that you are in my life. I love you more each and every day.)