Chaos and my sometimes dark place....

I have these periods from time to time....I call them my dark place....the only way to describe the feeling is one of chaos in my heart. It has happened periodically over the years, but I was just able to pin point what it was on September 11, 2001. The weekend before the tragedy, we held a 50th anniversary party for my parents. My brother came in with his (then) 2 daughters, Katelyn and Taylor, and his mother in law, Mitzi. His wife, Mary stayed at home because she was 8&1/2 months pregnant with Hayley (they've since added one more - Riley). Anyway, when I was putting them on their plane to return home, I just knew in my heart that it was the last time I would see them. I had a feeling of chaos in my heart and my heart was absolutely breaking. For some reason, the chaos involved airplanes. I prayed like I'd never prayed before. My brother and his family made it home safely and I was relieved, but the feeling didn't go away....until the planes hit the towers on 9/11. At that point I knew what it was....God had been tapping me on the shoulder (as I'm sure he does with many others) so I could start praying. Who knows how many people were praying that day? Who knows how much worse it could have been without prayers?

It's happened a few more times since then. I told my friends that I was out to dinner with the Saturday before my dad died that it was his time and I felt like he was going to leave us. He left Monday morning......he was not terminal other than his alcoholism. Most recently (last Tuesday night), I was laying in bed with Bogey (my dog), and the thought came over me "What am I going to do when I have to let you go?" The next morning he was gone. He was perfectly fine Tuesday night....and then gone.

I realize that this is a gift from God. I don't like it some times, and it scares me a lot. But I realize that the only gift I've really been given is the ability to realize what is happening, and the opportunity to pray.

Right now I am in one of the darkest periods that I've ever experienced. I don't know what is brewing in the cosmos, but something is seriously up. My chaos has reached a frenetic pace. This one feels bigger than what happened on 9/11. So I'm praying fast and I'm praying hard. I have no specifics. I just know God wants me to pray. So that's what I am doing.

Please join me in prayer. Hopefully, this too shall pass without incident....

Until later....

Missing my little man - a really good friend....

We lost my "little dog" Bogey yesterday. And it was a complete shocker. We went to bed Tuesday night and he was fine. I got up at 3:00 a.m. to use the restroom and stepped in a pile of fresh vomit. I let him out because he looked like he urgently needed to go. By 3:15 he was bleeding from his rectum. We rushed him to the emergency vet and he was gone by 4:25 a.m. We really don't know what happened. But in my heart I know that he had something going on inside that had been brewing for awhile. And I also know in my heart that we made the right decision by ending his life.....

Bogey came into our lives in July, almost 3 years ago. He was 7 years old when we got him. He was 10 when he died. From the best we could tell, he was a mix of Rhodesian Ridgeback, German Shepherd, and maybe a little lab. He was 55 lbs., full of energy, with just the most amazing amber eyes I'd ever seen on a dog. TJ called me on a Wednesday one week. It seemed that one of his clients had a dog that he couldn't keep anymore. His wife wanted him to take Bogey to the SPCA. TJ wanted to know if I could find him a home. I told him we'd have to foster him for awhile......and then he never left....

When Bogey came to live with us, he was tentative about everything. He was never allowed to get on the furniture where he lived before. He was apparently not allowed to kiss anyone (as he absolutely wouldn't do that). He just kind of sat in front of you and waited until you "allowed him" to come to you. That quickly changed. The first time we asked him to get on the couch, you could tell he was shocked. He looked at us like "Are you kidding me?" After that though, he knew what his freedoms were. The dogs don't live in our house. We live in their house - ha ha. Although we thought he was going to be TJ's dog (I had Mabel after all), it became apparent quickly, that he was going to be MY dog too (although, Lorelai would argue with you and tell you that Bogey was HER dog). I nicknamed him "little dog" and we became best friends. At night I would usually go to bed before TJ. Bogey would jump up and lay down in the crook of my arm. If I didn't pet him long enough, he would growl until I started petting him again. When TJ walked into the room, he knew it was time to get off and would assume his position either on TJ's side of the bed or on the carpet on my side of the bed. He was never very far. In the mornings, he would wait for my alarm to go off. He would come into the room. And as I sat up in bed, he jumped up next to TJ and curled up into the crook of TJ's arm. It was very hard getting up this morning, knowing that he wouldn't be jumping into "his" place next to TJ.

Over the past 2 & 1/2 years, Bogey has been a blessing to us. I will miss everything about him. I probably only got a handful of kisses from him in the past 2 & 1/2 years (he finally started giving them out - so I knew I was special to him).

When we took him to the emergency clinic and made the decision to end his suffering, it was probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. I still cry thinking about it. We went into the room and they brought Bogey to us. But here's the thing.....he went to TJ....He wouldn't come to me. I had to go over to him and look him in the eyes. And when I did....I knew it was time to say goodbye. It was almost like Bogey was having as hard a time letting go of me as I was having letting go of him.

In my heaven, there will be animals. God promises that my heaven will be MY HEAVEN. So I know I will see Bogey again. He's up there romping with Dad now. I can't wait to see both of them.

Until later......

When God surprises you....

God has really been weighing in on me a lot lately. The one message that I'm getting often is that I need to pray about everything and pray often. I need to pray for those that I love (which I do anyway). I need to pray about things going on in the world (our country, our current leadership, our future leadership). I need to pray about what is going on in the world (will you get here already Lord?). And I need to pray about every day things like driving to work or the outcome of a project or meeting. So, being the obediant servant that I try to be, I've been trying to pray about everything. And thank God when my prayers are answer (Example: "God, please let me have a safe trip to work." then "Thank you Lord for allowing me to arrive at my destination safely." What I have noticed is that God is now answering EVERYTHING I pray about. He doesn't always answer in the way I anticipate or believe he should (yeah - I know - control issues). But He does answer.



This morning I had to do something that no employer likes to do. I had to lay off an employee. This particular woman had been with our company for 7 years. But the portfolio had gotten smaller and no longer supported her position. So, we made the difficult decision to let her go. I prayed about it when we found out we were going to do it and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace about it. I prayed about it last night before I went to bed and again had that overwhelming sense of peace. Then I prayed about it when I pulled into the parking lot of the building this morning and felt the peace. We called her into the conference room and broke the news to her. She is a very faithful woman. She moved to our end of the conference table and proceeded to ask us to pray with her. Her prayers were for US - for peace and comfort for US. That was amazing enough, right? Well the story gets better - much, much better. We talked for a long time. She said that God had been telling her for over a year that a change was coming. She didn't know what it was, but she felt she was going to leave our company. She was excited about the change, and delighted that God had answered her prayers to provide for her (we gave her a generous severance package) while she looked for another job. Just then, God put on my heart to tell her something. He told me to tell her that something was going to come to her almost immediately. It was going to drop in her lap, be TOTALLY unexpected, and was going to be her dream. I saw her walking across a parking lot and her "dream" literally being dropped on her. Weird, I know. But it's God, right? LOL. Anyway. She left and then I came home to meet the telephone guy. I get an e-mail this afternoon from the manager of the property that when this woman got home and checked the messages on her machine there was an invitation from the producers for Cece Winans to fly to Chattanooga, TN for an audition for a new collaborative album by Cece Winans! This is apparently called the Sister to Sister Ministry. They left her a code to call Continental Airlines because there was a first class ticket waiting for her. Her dream had DROPPED in on her just as God had shown me. To say that I am completely delighted and floored at the same time is an understatement. Coincidence? I think not! LOL! God is so great ALL the time!! And I am SO glad that I was first quiet or obediant enough to listen today and second brave enough to share with her what God was giving to me for her.



She shared something with me also. She had a dream about me (I won't go into detail about that), but at the end, the Lord asked her to give me a verse - Psalm 27:14. We went on to discuss what I started this blog with that I was trying to be obediant and just be a beacon to anyone that needed it. I would listen and pray, and listen and pray - especially for those I love. She told me that the Psalm was confirmation because what it says is "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." The way God gave it to her was that by "Wait", the Lord meant service (like waitstaff). And by being obediant, I was serving God. Wow.



So it's pretty much been a whole emotional God day. I haven't had one of these in a long time and I really needed it. So Praise God with all of your heart, mind, body and soul.



Until later.....